Sunday, March 18, 2007

Some of best jokes so far i collected !!!


"You need not be afraid of my dog", said a housewife to salesman hesitating
at the gate."Don't you remember barking dogs seldom bite".
"I do remember the saying," said the salesman, "but how do I know if the
dog remembers it or not".
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"Why are you not going to school today, my son", enquired
the mother.
"No, I won't go".
"But why?" the mother again asked with curiosity.
"Because our teachers always keep in shifting their ground".
"How's that?"
"Day before yesterday my teacher told me that 5 and 2 are seven and
yesterday said 3 and 4 are seven. Well, what's the use of going to
such a school"?
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Student: " How much for a hair cut?"
Barber: " Two bucks"
Student: " How much for a shave?"
Barber: " One buck."
Student: " Okay, shave off my hair."
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A woman used to quarrel with her husband every day for new clothes and
ornaments. One day she said, " Bring saris and diamond ring for me or I
shall depart to my parents".
"And when you come back",replied the husband smiling,"bring a suit length
for me also"
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"I live in the flat on 3rd floor. When you come to see me you press the
button of the door bell with your elbow".
"But why with elbow? I'll do it with my right index finger".
"Oh, you are simpleton. You don't understand even this simple thing.Then
your hands will be full with nice presents."
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A reader was very fond of sensational and detective novels, but he
always started reading from the middle.
A friend of his asked why he did so?"It's doubly interesting", said the
reader. "To start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its
conclusion, but also about its beginning"
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A fellow went to a physician and requested to give him some such medicine or
tonic which might help to live for 100 years.
The physician asked the fellow-
"Do you drink?"
"No, Sir".
"Do you smoke?"
"Not at all".
"Do you love some lady?"
"Not at all".
"Or intend to love?"
"Naah"
"Then why do you want to live for 100 years"
asked the physician annoyed.
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A man was going to attend a Hollowen party dressed in a costume of the
devil. On his way, it began to rain, so he darted into a church where a
revival meeting was in progress. At the devil's attire, people began to
scatter through the doors and windows.
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Customer: I cannot eat this soup. There's a fly in it. Call the manager !
Waiter: No use, sir. The manager won't eat it either.
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Don't believe a lawyer. He can do what he cannot and even speak the truth
sometimes to win a case.
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, " What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, " About
four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with
a stream running by.
" No, " he said, " i mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,"she responded.
"I mean, " he continued, " What are your relations like? "
" I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
my husband's parents."
He said, " Do you have a real grudge?"
" No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."
" Please," he tried again, " is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
" Yes, both of my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
" Yes," she responded, " about twice a week he gets up earlier than i do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, " Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
" Oh, i don't want a divorce, " she replied. " I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
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Son-I'll not invite you daddy in my marriage.
Father- But why, my son?
Son- Did you invite me in your marriage?
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When the loafing of a young and beautiful schoolmistress became a talk of
the town,the head of the school managing committe appointed two persons to
enquire into the affair. These two persons went to her house. It was winter,
so one of them remaimed outside basking in the sun on the lawn and asked the
other to go in to enquire. After half an hour that gentleman came out of the
house and told his friend that all the chharges levelled against the lady
were false and baseless. She was quite gentle and a woman of high character.
Thereupon the first man said, " O.K. Let us move now, but before doing so
you please button up your trousers".
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A man from the Golden island, across the seven seas sent to his
wife a parrot for marriage anniversary. The parrot spoke several
languages.
"How was the parrot?" he asked his wife a few months later when
he returned home.
"Delicious" said she."The flesh just fell away".
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"Why are you so downcast GangaRam?"
"Don't you know, my wife died last month?"
"But surely I attended your wife's funeral last year".
"That was of my first wife. This time my second wife expired".
"I didn't know you got married second time. Congratulations!"
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Teacher ( beating up a student)- Son, I'm doing so because I love you.
Student-Would that I was in a position to return your love with love!
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Husband-Honey, I have brought a necklace for your birthday present.
Wife- But dear I wanted a motor car.
Husband-Right, but an imitation motor car is not available anywhere in the
world.
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"A pious man was bitten by a mad dog in a village".
" Really ".
"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."
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A lunatic stood near a pool of mud and shouted,"Five...five...five!" A
passerby out of curiosity asked him, " Well, what's the matter?"
"Come near, I'll let you know". As the passerby approached him the mad man
pushed the passerby in the mud by catching him by the waist and shouted
laughing- "Six Six....six"
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On the notice board of a famous medical college in London was written,
"The students will be glad to know that Her Majesty the Queen has
appointed me her personal physician-Principal"
Next day someone inscribed underneath-
"God save the Queen!"
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First: I think you have forgotten about the money I loaned you.
Second: How could i forget, it's hardly been two months. Give
me a few more months and i think i will be able to forget all about it.
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A man was complaining about his wife to a friend.
" I don't know what to do about her. She has the worst memory in the world."
" You mean she forgets everything?" asked his friend.
" No, she remembers everything."
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A teacher on the subject of sin: " Is there a virgin in this classromm?
If there is , let her stand up!" He then paused; nobody stood up.
He was about to resume when he noticed a young married student standing
at the rear with a baby.
" Excuse me, young lady, did you understand the question? I asked if
there was a virgin in the room.
" Yes, sir," said the mom, " but, did you expect this 3-week-old baby
to stand up by herself?"
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Beggar- Please Sir a coin in alms.
Man- I don't have change now... take next time.
Beggar(angrily)- It's this credit that has made me a bankrupt.
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The application form had a colume-"Sex?"
And a girl applying for the job wrote- " Once a week".
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Servant (to the employer)-i'm going away leaving the job.
Employer-Why?
Servant-You've no more faith in me .
Employer-Who says? Even the keys of the safe remain lying on the table.
Servant- But none of them can unlock the safe.
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A commuter saw a man picking his pocket and said "Aren't you ashamed to
pick my pocket?"
"Rather it is you who should be ashamed. There is not a paisa in your
pocket".
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A woman told another -"My neighbour has always been speaking ill of her
husband. Now, see me, my husband is fool, lazy and coward but did i ever say
anything about him?"
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A pickpocket was fined 100 rupees but he had only 25. Therefore, he
requested the judge to allow him some time to bring the rest of the money.
"No, you can't go", the judge said, "You send somebody home to fetch it".
The pickpocket then said, "Sir, there is no money in the house. You please
allow me to take a round of the court premises, and i'll produce the money.
****************************************************************************
A fun loving peon shouted in the office-
"Has anybody lost a bundle of bank notes tied in a rubber band?"
"Yes, I've" cried 3-4 persons together.
"But I found this rubber band only", said the peon laughing.
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In the Ramlila the man playing the part of Ravana fought so bravely and well
that people praising it shouted, "Well done, once more".
No sooner did the dead Ravana listen it than he got up and started fighting
with Rama afresh.
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Philosopher- Today someone stole the purse from my pocker.
Wife-How, did you not know when he put his hand into your pocket?
Philosopher- I knew, but then I thought it was my own hand.
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Poet- Did you like my new poem?
Man- I liked the end the most.
Poet- which portion?
Man-When you said, " This is the last line, now I say good bye".
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Child- Where were you born papa?
Papa- In a foreign country son.
Child- And you mummy?
Mummy- In Delhi, darling.
Child- And I ?
Mummy - In a nursing home at Jaipur.
Child- Then, mummy I don't understand how did we three get together?
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Jivan- Please return the umbrella you borrowed yesterday.
Raman- Do you want it just now? My friend has borrowed it.
Jivan- What? But the man whom I had borrowed from wants it immediately
because he says the owner of the umbrella is standing at the door insisting
on its urgent return".
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Lalu- Does your father remember God before taking his meals?
Lalita- Why, yes he does
Lalu- How do you know?
Lalita- Yesterday when he was taking lunch he exclaimed " Oh God! again
pumpking today".
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Man (to a young lady)- I've already met you somewhere and we have talked
together for quite a long time. But can't remember when and where?
Nurse- Sure, you have met and talked with me. You need not tax your memory,
I give you the place - it's mental hospital. I'm a nurse there.
*****************************************************************************
A butcher was leading a goat to a slaughter house. The goat was crying.
The child asked - "Why's it crying so much?"
"Because it's being led to the slaughter house".
"Is that all? I thought it was being led to school", said the child.
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A rich, naive young lady invited a pianist to give a private concert at
her home. Commenting on one of his selections, she said, " what a
beautiful piece! Who composed it?"
" Beethoven, madam," was the reply.
" Ah yes!" she said, knowingly.
" And is he composing now?"
" No! the pianist replied gravely.
" He is decomposing."
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Once a bearded man was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave
the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 bucks to wake him up when
the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 bucks,
the man deserved more service. So, when he fell asleep, the barber quietly
shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the man was woken up, and
he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed
when he saw the mirror. His wife asked him what was the matter to which
he replied that the cheat on the train took his 20 bucks and woke up
someone else.
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On a deserted road in the dark of night a man was walking. Suddenly
two men approached him. One of them said, "Sir, do you have a ten paise coin?"
"Sure, but what would you do with it now at night?".
"You see, we are two and want to decide by toss of the coin who will own your
purse and who your wrist watch".
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There was a bling beggar. He has a small plate hanging round his neck.
On it was written-"Blind from birth".
A lady, out of pity for the blind man took a ten paisa coin from her purse
and dropped in his begging bowl. Then, the beggar said,
"Oh beauty! May God bless you ".
The woman went home and narrated this to his husband asking him as how the
beggar knew that she was beautiful?
"Then he should certainly have been blind," quipped the husband.
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"Any complaints?" asked the teacher during school launch.
" Yes Sir", said one bold boy. " These peas are awfully hard sir."
Taking a spoon the teacher tasted some from the boys plate.
" They seem soft enough to me, " he declared.
"Yes, they are now since i have been chewing them for the last half hour."
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Shanti: How old are you, Bhupendra?
Bhupendra: I'm 20 but i don't look like it, do i?
Shanti: No, but used to.
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" I am so sorry to hear that your factory was burnt down.What do
you manufacture?"
"Fire extinguishers"
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" If we get married will you give up smoking?"
" Yes"
" And drinking, too?"
" Yes"
" And will you stop going to your club in the evening?"
"Yes"
" And what else are you thinking of giving up, darlin'?
" The idea of getting married"
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Man: " Have your been to bed with anyone?"
Girl:( Angrily) "That's my business."
Man: " Oh, I didn't know you were a professional."
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One day a mathematician, a physician and a chemist went to a beach.
The mathematician decided to measure the depth of the sea but was
swept away. Then the physician decided to measure the velocity of the
sea and jumped in the water but was swept away. At last, the chemist
said " Both of them are soluble in sea-water."
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Mother: " Now Ramu, what animal gives you shoes and meat?"
Ramu: "Father."
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" Madhav, you're a pig!" yelled his father." You do know what a
pig is, don't you?"
"Yes dad, " replied the lad. " It's a pig's son."
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What's the difference between a Good girl and a Society Girl?
A Good girl goes out, goes home, goes to bed. A Society girl
goes out, goes to bed and goes home.
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Three partially deaf women were driving together in an open car.
First women: " It's windy, isn't it?"
Second women: "Wednesday? No it's Thursday."
Third women: "Yeah, i'm thirsty too."
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